We’ve all been there; someone has either behaved badly towards us or done something wrong or said something not right. Whichever, we often end up experiencing emotions that can range from miffed to furious, slighted to totally disrespected, a little upset to full blown heartbroken, and sometimes confused, sometimes afraid. Regardless, in such cases an apology should be expected.
In life, I've found that an apology, and forgiveness, are two completely different things. Though some use them interchangeably.
In apologising, we take responsibility for what we have done. And saying it with care, with no room for doubt about why we are saying sorry is respectful, and kind, and even a form of love. When an apology is sincere we usually feel valued, rather than dismissed. Respected, rather than scorned. So whoever we’re apologising to, they'll have the choice to either accept or decline it. Fundamentally, that’s their prerogative. More often than not though, we do accept such an apology.
But, it might be that there are valid reasons why an apology isn’t accepted: Some people are great at saying sorry, yet continue to do the same thing over and over again. Others are adept at manipulating emotions and situations. Still others are much more sophisticated, and will purposely make a show of being a sincere person. Usually in front of an audience.
Whereas, asking someone for forgiveness regarding something you've done wrong, is basically putting the onus on that person and taking the responsibility off yourself.
Asking someone to forgive you, rather than unambiguously saying sorry, is at best cowardly and shows a lack of courtesy. For example, if you didn't show up somewhere you'd said you would, it’s likely the person you've let down might already be feeling a bit crap about that; so to then go and expect them to feel compelled into forgiving you, when in fact it should be you unreservedly saying sorry, is bad form, to say the least.
However, at its worst, asking someone to forgive you can be diabolical; such as in abuse. A person’s forgiveness is a privilege. Never a right or expectation. It should always completely be their own choice to, or not to. In asking someone to forgive something you should have said sorry for, is as if rubbing salt into the wound; since essentially, it takes the responsibility off yourself, and puts the onus onto them.
Many feel unable to not forgive, out of fear of judgement, or being seen as sinful. The thing is, when we feel under pressure to forgive, or are required to forgive unquestioningly, it can make us ill (which is contrary to traditional belief).
Conversely, when we're genuinely free to not forgive, and make our choice out of that context. We are then at liberty to move on with our life. And so while it will never change the past wrongdoing, it can provide the opportunity to be freer to step into the present and future, fully aware of our dignity.
